Therapy now in session

I haven't published on Blogger for sometime due to the fact that I have been popping the Rx rather than channeling my anxieties and emotions through my writing.  I constantly tell myself I will maintain a chemical-free temple and deal with the stresses life throws at me by writing, eating healthy and hitting the gym. I remember the time when I would consider myself the ultimate gym kitty. For two years, before dancing entered my life, I was at Las Vegas Athletic Club four times a week for approximately two hours. I'd hit the gym before the parties on the weekend and I felt absolutely phenomenal. As a full time college student I had a banging body, and not to mention most importantly, I possessed a healthy state of mind.  Working out releases oxytocin in the brain.  It's that "runner's high" you get after a good pump and jog. THAT was the high I was addicted to.

The Devil was at my doorstep not long after I was hired at that dive-ish, all nude strip club. I spent the first six months maintaining my toned and shapely physique and dancing sober as a bird.  I remember the night I was introduced to these long white bars that were supposed to "fuck you up and make time fly." Not being aware of an addicted personality my brain had kept under wraps, and being the type that likes to try things once for the sake of just trying it,  I kindly partook in the pill popping extravaganza with another fellow dancer before my shift that Saturday night.  After all, its been a while since I've "partied."

That night was a blur but I had still made a fist full of cash. However for the next couple months, that chemical became a part of me. I felt more confident and outspoken, I laughed a lot more, I had a huge appetite, which I loved, and I didn't think much about my personal problems at home. Also with that Rx being a downer, I started neglecting the care I once had for my body.  Being naive about pharmaceutical drugs, I did little research into the medication I was recreationally taking.  It wasn't long until fun ran out. This party soon started to become a nightmare. This anti-anxiety pill, when it wasn't in my system, was actually giving me symptoms of anxiety when I've never struggled with the condition before. I was in a state of withdrawal. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep.  That beautiful girl I once knew was somewhere hiding beneath the bag of bones I saw staring back at me in my full length mirror.  I felt ultimately depressed thinking how ashamed I am to just be me.  I started learning more and more about benzodiazepines and the damage it can do over time.

I've been in a constant struggle of making the attempt to get off this Rx for two years, and I have made a commitment to myself to wean off this dangerous substance once and for all.  My goal is to be drug-free by the end of May and to finally start working out again.  I feel that my posting this blog and being open about my substance abuse can aid me in my path toward complete health and happiness without depending on chemicals to define who I am inside and out.