Thank you, Mr. Brownstone

So I relapsed.  I ended up going about the same routine as I did for the past two months upon waking up today.  It's so much simpler to take a hit and get rid of the chills and clammy skin in a matter of seconds than to wait 45 minutes to an hour for the withdrawal medication to kick in. Plus, trying to deal with the emotional baggage that comes along with the withdrawal is absolute hell.  It feels as if the entire world is crumbling down on me.  This is the time when my mind has a mind of its own.  I am burdened with negative thoughts that refuse to leave my head.  I feel guilty about my dependence on Mr. Brownstone, but unlike Axl, I'm the one who ain't leaving him alone.

Thanks to the media, this stuff gets a bad rep.  The horror stories you hear all involve intravenous administration.  Sure I've thought about it, but I'd rather do it the "rich man way." Although I'm not proud of it, I actually managed to accomplish the subject for my 25 page screenplay and the first draft of my beat sheet for my screenwriting class while under the influence.  In addition, I find it funny that I made the decision to enroll back into school with the aid of Mr. Brownstone.  I'm doing very well in all three of my classes by the way.  He has also helped me gain five pounds, which for me, is a very good thing.   Also, my shyness and mild case of social anxiety flew out the window.  Normally, my heart would start pounding as I walk to class, or my hands would start to sweat when I know I'm about to meet someone I've never met before. While on this stuff, I'm fine.  I feel great.  I feel like a normal human being.  I'm living proof that you can use and still have the ability to function, and in my case, function better, in society.     I'm aware that using this isn't the way deal with my psychological issues, but what if it actually improves my quality of life and gives me a better sense of well being? Sure I can treat myself the "healthier" way by exercising and meditating and perhaps speaking to someone about my concerns, but for now, it's me and Mr. Brownstone.

I know I must quit.  It won't be easy.  I have high hopes that writing will help me get though it.